Wednesday, March 23 rd, 2005

Robitussin does weird things to me. In fact, if you read the fine print on the bottle it says something about how it can fuck with your head. I felt a slight cold coming on yesterday from all the rain we?ve been having, so I figured it best to just preempt it by spending a day drugged up on the Tussin.

I take my first dose just before reviewing Falcon?s new movie, Super Soaked, which marks the debut of their new exclusive, Roman Heart. Roman emailed me when he first signed with Falcon. He had seen the announcement that I printed in my column and it was the first time he?d seen his name and photo in print, so he was psyched and wanted to thank me and say hello. I jotted him back a quick note, but had I known he were going to be this hot on camera, I may have made more of an effort to stay in touch.

The boy is drop dead gorgeous. His ass is the most bootylicious thing our biz has seen since Stonie and he whines like a little bitch when he gets fucked, which, to me, is totally fucking hot. His scene is with Brent Everett and I think it?s the first time I?ve watched a Brent scene that I wasn?t totally fixated on him. Roman steals the show and it?s clear that if this is his first scene out of the bag, he?s going to be a major superstar.

So anyway, I give the movie my review. Ho hum, just another star being born. No big deal, I?ve given gushing reviews like this before. The Robitussin is now in full effect, I?m feeling dizzy and drowsy and it?s time to lay down.

For five hours, I toss and turn, drifting in and out of dreams, the entire time unable to get Roman Heart out of my head for some reason. I keep thinking to myself, ?Um, the scene was good. But it wasn?t THAT good!? Yet, there he is, every time I close my eyes, the new Falcon exclusive. Roman and I are going to dinner together, he?s holding me in bed, we?re dumping popcorn on each other at the movies. At one point, I dreamt I was at the head of this huge conference table and I was telling all of my employees, ?Now the new Falcon exclusive is exclusive to ME? ONLY ME! And another thing? you?re all FIRED!?

Needless to say, each time I awakened I had a hard-on. I think I must?ve jacked off thinking about him four times today. I hope I never meet him.

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Sunday, March 20 th, 2005

Mom is visiting town with my step-father. It?s both their birthdays this month so I decided to buy them front row seats to a Bob Dylan concert at The Pantages Theatre in Hollywood. Lord knows I wouldn?t go see Bob Dylan in concert if someone held a gun to my head, but if they can sit through a Lorna Luft concert with me, I suppose this is the least I can do.

Meanwhile, I?m beginning to claw the walls from my self-induced sexual oppression. The pendulum has swung to both ends and I think it?s time to find the grey area. There is a difference between hooking up three times a week and hooking up once every three or four months. Yes, I would prefer that it be with someone who I have feelings for, but what am I supposed to do? Make a vow of chastity until that person comes along?

Wasn?t it Dorothy Parker who said, ?Nevertheless, a girl must eat.?

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Saturday, March 19 th, 2005

?What is it about New England that when you turn five, your parents just say, ?Ok, it?s time to leave the emotions at the door??? - Sandra Bernhard

It was Jason on Jason on Jason at Cocktails with the Stars this past Thursday night. My guest for the evening was the ever adorable and awesome hung Jason Crew (remember him fucking his ass with his own cock like a circus freak on the ?JC TV Live? show in the members section?) and towards the end of the evening, Jason G. decided to pop up in the audience. Jason G. is the ex-boyfriend who for the past few years has had nothing to say but how much he still loves me and has unresolved feelings and now that he?s moved back to town, can hardly pick up a phone but maybe once a month. ?I wanted to see the shocked expression on your face when I showed up unexpectedly!? he laughed. ? Um, first of all, I wasn?t shocked. I was surprised, maybe, but he?d have received the same reaction had I run into him at Target. Secondly, what a lofty goal!

He asked me to dinner and I told him today during a conversation online that I wasn?t sold on the idea of going out with him again. His response, without hesitation was: ?Fine. I understand. We won?t be lovers or friends and we?ll just let the past be the past.? ? Wow, well if that?s his immediate reaction at the sound of my mere hesitation, I guess that is the right decision to make! Jason is so afraid of getting hurt, he has walls built around him that I can?t even begin to tear down. That?s something he will have to do on his own and in his own time. I have been there but I am past that point in my life. I?m on the opposite end of the spectrum. There?s no walls. I?m practically an open wound and I?m proud to be so unafraid of expressing my true emotions and letting people in. Until Jason can do that, I don?t think he?ll be capable of experiencing true love. He will continue to protect his heart by leading with his logic and he will remain content. I don?t want to settle for content. I want overflowing bliss and blind romance, even if it means the possibility of being hurt. The highs are worth the lows. My last relationship taught me that.

I told Jason that I suspected we are two very different people. I am, for better AND worse, an extremely passionate and spontaneous person. He is the kind of person who needs to sit down and make a list of pros and cons before he can even tell me that he?d like us to go on a date -- literally! I follow my heart, he leads with his head. My suspicions were confirmed when he told me that this conversation alone was too much hassle or drama and that he wanted his boyfriend to be the easiest thing in his life, something he doesn?t have to ever be stressed about. ? God, for such a pessimist that is quite a dose of blind optimism. Even I, the hopeless romantic, am well aware that a relationship, if long-term, is bound to be one of the hardest things in your life. They take work!

We said we would continue the talk another time, but I don?t really see the point. We?re just not well suited for each other.

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Wednesday, March 16 th, 2005

As if having Jason G. pop back into my life wasn?t enough, I get an email from Scott today, who I was dating around the same time. Constant readers will remember Scott as the pitiful soul who catered to my every whim and fell blindly in love with me at first sight, which I eventually found tedious and undesirable. I hadn?t heard from him in quite a while, until I received an email from him this evening, just checking in to see how I was and update me on all that is going on in his life.

I sat down to reply to Scott?s letter and as I updated him on my how my life has changed since we last spoke, I reflected myself for the first time since then on how I?ve changed as a person.

What has changed is I?m no longer a slut. I haven?t had sex since November. I was at an orgy and started to bang some cute boy and looked around the room at all that was going on and I just started laughing at the absurdity of it all. So I left and never looked back. I don?t know what changed, but something just clicked when I turned 25. I'm not lonely by any means, I?m so damned busy, but I am just no longer fulfilled by random sex with strangers -- or maybe it?s that I no longer seek that sense approval that it may have subconsciously given me? Who knows? But it?s over.

So I?m dating a lot -- A LOT -- like a few times a week since November, but I?ve been very disappointed thus far. I wrote a diary entry earlier this month that asked the question, ?Where have all the strong men gone?? We?ve all become so fearful of rejection that none of us can show up with flowers in our hand or say something sweet or even open the car door for the person we?re with. We think it will make us look weak or needy. Everyone?s so scared. I desperately seek someone who isn?t afraid to wear their heart on their sleeve and has a great vulnerability... because that is the ultimate nakedness and that is now what turns me on more than anything else. I get glimpses of it in people, but only glimpses and nothing more.

And suddenly, as I was writing all of this down, I began to realize that it brings my diary full circle and back to Scott, where it all began nearly three years ago. For whatever reason, whether he was truly in love or just rebounding or transferring feelings, whatever the case may be... Scott laid his heart on the line and all his cards on the table with me from day one and he was so unafraid of giving. It was like he worshiped me and that?s exactly what I look for now, only I look for someone who I will worship too in return.

As much as I try to ignore it, I do think of Scott often, and it disappoints me that we met each other when we did. Sex with us wasn?t just amazing because of our chemistry... it was because he had no inhibitions when it came to his heart. It?s taken me three years of going out of and experiencing life as a single man, three years of being a total player, to realize how very brave that was of him and so I apologized if I ever made it seem like it was wrong of him to be that way.

Don?t get me wrong. I don?t regret the decision to go my own way. I had a very hard upbringing and grew up way too soon, so I needed to go be a kid for a while. I needed to not be tied down, to have no responsibilities, to go be a slut and experience everything I wanted to experience and learn from each and every instance. But now that I?m all grown up and ready to share my life with someone, put someone else before me and have a true life partner, I look in people?s eyes for what I saw in Scott?s the first night I met him.

We broke up once and when we got back together, I asked him not to be so weak. He changed then. And I remember at dinner one night I said I missed that I side of him and he told me that our relationship would never be that way again. And I knew... somewhere in the dark corners of my mind, I remember knowing intrinsically at that moment that I had made a mistake. Scott was never weak. He was just stronger than I was ready be.

I poured all of that in an email and sent it off without even thinking. Here?s the email I got back just a few hours later, or at least the highlights that matter:

Jason,

I could not be happier for you and your success in life. I always knew that you would be successful with whatever you did. You have the personality and charisma that only few will ever have.

I think what you wrote to me was very heartfelt. It touched me. I think you hit the nail on the head with what you said. Our timing was completely wrong. I know I fell for you right away, which took me by surprise because I didn't think I would fall for someone so quickly, especially since I just ended a relationship. But that first night was magical, and I will always remember it.

I know you needed that time to have fun and enjoy life. But, at the time you know I could not share you. I loved you. Why would I want to share that with someone else?

As we have gotten older, we obviously are in the same place with what we want in life. I can not believe you have not had sex since November?!? You really HAVE changed!

Damn you and what you wrote because I think it jostled some old feelings Jason. At any rate, I don't know where my life is going right now. I have not had much of a social life in the past year or so. Like you, dating seems like a waste of time. In fact, I hardly
date at all. I do get my share of sex, but that still, seems tiring and pointless.

I would like to get together with you again. When? I do not know. But, I think we should. I do miss you. I was hard on you the second time, because I was hurt and did not want to be hurt again by you. I was just protecting myself. You were in a different place than I was at the time.

Yet, 3 years later, I still feel empty. You may think I was strong, but I do not think I am as strong as you think. But what was strong, were my feelings for you; and that will never change.

Thanks again for writing that email to me. I like that side of you.

Love,

Scott

Well, before you go all gooseflesh on me, let me hit you with the bad news. Now that this lovely realization has been made and the two of us are speaking again and planning to hang out sometime in the coming weeks, I find that Scott is awaiting word on a promotion that may very well see him moving to Las Vegas immediately. Ultimately, it?s what I hope happens because it would be the best thing for him. But of course, I?m always going to wonder what might have happened had he stayed in town.

What Scott?s email did though was immeasurable. Looking back on where I was three years ago and where I am now is like a total 180. And whether it?s with Scott or someone else, I just know that no matter what happens, it can?t be the same anymore.

?Guardian angel, I sail away on an ocean with you by my side. Orange clouds roll by, they burn into your image and I know you?re alive as I close my eyes, steady my feet on the ground, raise my head to the skies. And though time?s rolled by, still I feel like that child as I look at the moon. Maybe I grew up a little too soon.? - Mariah Carey, ?Close My Eyes? 1997.

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Monday, March 14 th, 2005

Ok, so a lot of industry peeps read my web site and it seems lately everyone?s asking me the same question: ?What?s the beef with you and gay porn manager/agent, David Forest?? Why are they asking? Because I haven?t really commented about it on the site yet. How do they know? Because David carbon copies [email protected] and everyone beneath him in his countless emails detailing why I?m such a horrible individual. So, to put things to rest, here?s the story from soup to nuts?

Though I had already been involved in the straight side of the business for three years, David Forest was one of the first people I met in the gay porn biz. He invited me to accompany him and his stars to the Bad Boys Pool Party where I met a lot of people for the first time. He also had a lot of his boys do interviews with me for my web site to plug their latest movies, web sites, etc. Years later, he pushed for me to be a guest host for an evening at Micky?s Cocktails with the Stars, which I almost immediately became permanent host for after that night. He also links to my web site and is our highest traffic referrer, though when it comes to signups we only receive maybe two or three a month from ForestMen.com.

But yes, without a doubt, David Forest has been a great help to me in the gay XXX world and I have always shown my appreciation for his efforts and paid him back in various ways. I considered David more than a business acquaintance. I considered him a true friend. I promoted his stars in my column even when there was nothing to promote, I booked them on my radio show, I booked them for Cocktails, I linked to their web sites, I brought boys to his stable when I felt they would be good for him, I helped him financially when he was in trouble, I completely ignored reporting on any troubles he had in his personal life that other columnists seemed so fascinated by, I brought the man Krispy Kremes when I was in the fucking area.

I have always defended David Forest to people who refuse to work with him. I always believed that, although he was difficult to deal with and full of theatrics, at the end of the day, it was worth it. Well, somewhere in the past six months, that difficulty has increased to a level where it is no longer worth it, not just for me but for a lot of other people in the business too who have severed their ties with him in the past couple of months. I won?t name names. That?s their own business and their own battle to fight.

Nothing was ever enough for David. He would constantly complain that I wasn?t talking about his stars enough in my column and when I did talk about them, it wasn?t in the right light. And when it came to bad press (as if there is such a thing!), I told him I would never ignore a newsworthy item for him, but I would certainly tone it down. What are friends for, right? For example, when one of his stars was arrested recently for possession, I left out a lot of dirty details and didn?t print the photos my source had to go with the story. For such a thing as this, I would get harassed by him via constant phone calls and emails screaming at me that I was an awful person and how could I dare do this to him after all that he had done for me. David began treating me like I was a paid employee. He felt like he had ?created? me and told me I owed my success to him and was never allowed to write one harsh word about him or his stars. He went from harassment to name calling to threats and that?s when I decided I couldn?t take it anymore and put a block on all of his email addresses. God bless the Spam Folder!

In the past few weeks I?ve been forwarded emails he?s sent to people attempting everything from getting me fired from jobs to getting fellow columnists to stop promoting my web site. I?ve skimmed through them briefly, but I honestly don?t have time for David?s big bag of bullshit anymore and since severing ties and blocking his email, I find I have so many more hours in the day to use much more productively.

I am certain that maybe six months or a year from now, we will resume our business relationship, but in the meantime, I?m enjoying our ?time off? and trying to get something through David?s thick skull: He needs me, I don?t need him. I give David Forest?s stars more publicity than anyone else. He?s not doing me any favors and he has no right to deem what I write about in my columns. It?s time he get a taste of what life is like without Jason Sechrest in your corner; without the constant mentions in my column, without the constant plugs on my web site, without having my venues to book his stars to promote their latest projects. And then, maybe, probably not but just maybe, when the dust settles and we resume business as usual, maybe he?ll apologize.

One more thing: I don?t think it would be fair to allow this affect his stars, so although I am no longer receiving his ?weekly news,? I will be checking his web site from time to time to see if there?s anything I personally feel is newsworthy enough to mention. I don?t mind dealing with Forest?s stars, I?m just choosing not to deal with Forest himself for quite some time.

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Friday, March 11 th, 2005

I spent most of last night at the awards and after party hanging out with Jason Adonis and then had him on my radio show this evening. I felt like I was talking to an entirely different person than the one I met two years ago when he first came onto the scene. He?s so much more comfortable with himself, both as an individual and as a gay porn star. In short: He?s grown up.

A lot of people gave Jason a lot of flack in the beginning of his career, calling him a homo hater or difficult to work with. But for me, I never saw him that way. You have to remember where Jason Adonis came from. Jason was doing some side modeling in bumfuck Illinois when a scout for Jet Set spotted him and offered him an insane amount of money to do a couple of gay porn scenes. He needed the money and didn?t have a problem with it, though until then he was straight in his private life. He does his scenes, he goes back to Illinois to resume his life as usual and a few months later, Jason Adonis?s name and image is everywhere and he is literally an overnight superstar. Now just imagine where he?s coming from. Not only does he have to deal with the locals, who after seeing him on a poster in the local adult video store, are asking him questions about his sexuality that even he probably didn?t have the answers to, but he also had to deal with the fact that he was suddenly considered a ?commodity? and was forced to figure out how to deal with that both professionally and personally. My guess is that Jason Adonis?s first year in the business was not at all easy on him and after a lot of personal searching, he has been able to accept both his bisexuality and his position within the gay porn industry. When I talk to him, it?s crystal clear that he?s extremely excited about managing himself and working to further this career that landed in his lap so unexpectedly. He?s embracing it for the first time.

On the car ride home from my radio show, we were discussing his fan base and how he felt labeled as gay for pay. ?The funny thing is, I think that?s what most of my fans like though,? he told me. ?The majority of the people who write me seem to get off on the idea of my being straight.?

?Oh, hell yes!? I agreed. ?Before I met you and before we did American Porn Star together, I was always jacking off to your movies for that reason.?

?Really? So the straight thing is what turned you on??

?Originally, yes, of course!? I laughed.

?So, what if I told you that I was attracted to you?? he asked, staring straight out the window. ?You wouldn?t be turned on by me anymore??

My face became totally flushed. ?Um, I don?t know how to answer that question,? I said nervously.

?Because you are my type actually,? he said, finally turning and smiling at me.

?SHUT UP!? I screamed. ?Shut up, shut up, shut up! I don?t believe you.?

?I?m not lying,? he said. ?I?ve even talked to my wife about you. I can call her up right now and you can ask her what I?ve said if you don?t believe me.?

When I don?t respond immediately, he pulls out his phone. ?NO!? I scream. ?That?s fine. I believe you. ? And to answer your question, no I?m quite sure that doesn?t change my attraction to you at all.?

You can imagine the tension in the car at this point. It is everything I can do to not pull the vehicle off to the side of the road and hop in his lap.

Okay, look. You know how I don?t bottom? For him? I would consider. That?s all I?m saying! That?s all I?m saying.

God, I am blushing right now just writing this, reliving the whole thing in my head.

Anyway, needless to say, next time Jason comes to town, I think we may hang out with each other a little more. He?s really become a good friend in the past two days.

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Thursday, March 10 th, 2005

Tonight was The 6th Annual GayVN Awards and there?s no need to drone on about the winners. Surely you?ve already read up on those at www.GayVNAwards.com. What people come to me for is the behind the scenes gossip and tonight we had it in spades. Here?s what the evening?s festivities entailed.

Falcon exclusives Matthew Rush and Erik Rhodes were admittedly wasted before the ceremony even began. Rush was later joined by ex-beau Zak Spears, winner of the evening?s Best Non-Sexual Performance, who made it clear to press that there was no animosity between the two. ?He?s good people,? said Spears on the record! Meanwhile, Rhodes couldn?t help but pull down his pants and give some ass shots to the press alongside Jason Adonis who did the same while GayVN Hall of Fame inductee Blue Blake stood between them. Rhodes whispered to Blake that his Falcon contract expires in six months and he only wants to make movies with him. But Blake was busy fighting his own battles over rumors that Phil St. John was telling people he ghost directs Blue?s movies!

Nick Capra made a point to walk hand in hand with Jason Ridge past Micky?s in hopes that ex-boyfriend and club bartender Keith would see.

Ben Damon and Chris Anthony had their tongues down each other?s throats all night.

Bobby Brennan is busy working for Sony fixing laptops and is looking very noticeably buffer.

I ran into agent David Forest?s newest discovery Kevin Brown in the bathroom who says he?s heard quite a lot about me in the past couple of weeks. ?A lot,? he laughed, ?you?re hot though! It?s nice to meet you.? He proceeded to take off his shirt outside and pose for some gorgeous poses. He?s the one with the heavily tattooed under arms.

Later in the evening, David Forest and entourage of 14 were denied entrance to Chi Chi LaRue's after party at The Abbey by both promotions director Rob Reimer and by Miss LaRue herself. Forest was reportedly outraged and began screaming that he would kill Reimer until security removed him from the premises.

Jason Crew kept pointing out his shirt to people. It said he has a big cock. It doesn?t lie.

Rocky is 100% solid muscle. What?s his secret? He says staying sober and working out.

Drew Warner , who has more than enough reason to hate me, finally acknowledged my presence half way through the evening and showed off a beautiful new tattoo that spreads from his ass down to the bottom part of his leg. He said it took 11 hours to do!

Fredrick Ford , star and box cover stud of Rascal Video?s Hole Patrol, says he?s performing two songs at Grabby?s. He?s opening and closing the show. But then everyone seems to think they?re singing at the Grabby?s this year.

Michael Lucas compared himself to Jesus Christ in his acceptance speech, saying that he was 33 and that there were many people in the room who wanted to see him crucified. He then approached a local mag and insisted they take over 15 images of him, all of which he had to approve. He was also reportedly urging fellow pornsters not to attend Chi Chi LaRue?s after party at The Abbey. Said magazine tells me, ?He just wouldn?t stop running his mouth. Which means we won?t be running the pictures.?

Bobby Trendy says, ?You wouldn?t believe how many people have come up to me and thought I was you.?

Falcon exclusives Bobby Williams and new boy Tyler Marks were all over each other at Chi Chi LaRue?s after party. Williams had Marks bent over at one point and was spreading his ass, exposing the new boy?s hole for all the media to see!

LaRue?s after party was actually paid for by CC Bill, who says they threw the bash to get in good with gay porn companies as they know there?s much money to be made there, especially with the recent iBill scandals.

Rascal exclusive Eddie Stone was poster boy for the after party, photos of the Best Newcomer winner on every bar and table -- but the images featured a very different side of Stone done up in heavy makeup with eyeliner. The photos were high end fashion and photography and looked fabulous! Meanwhile, fellow Rascal brother Johnny Hazzard was glowingly happy with his BOLT win for Best Group Sex Scene and was hounded by press for photos (as well as autographs) all night.

The most drama free of the evening? Michael Brandon with his new beau. Both sat quietly through the ceremony and the after party, nearly invisible to passersby. But for those of us who did notice, it was a refreshing change of pace!

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Tuesday, March 8 th, 2005

You know, I always warn anyone who wants my help getting into the adult movie business, it?s not all that it?s cracked up to be. Do they listen? Never. And the more successful my site has become, the more I have amateurs who have gone nowhere with their careers fast begging me to take their images off of my web site. Why? Well, they?re trying to get custody of their child. Or they are now working in corporate America and they can?t risk their boss finding the site. Or they?re just angry that they didn?t make it in porn and hate the idea of anyone making money off of their image.

Let me tell ya something, sisters. You signed over that image and you were paid for it. I?m not even like most sites on the Internet who take advantage of you without warning you of the repercussions nude modeling and XXX video work can have on your life. So you?d think that I?d be exempt from such, no? No. They still point the finger at me. I?m the bad guy. Your current nightmare is all the fault of JasonCurious.com. You know what? You?re not five years old. Take responsibility for your actions, own the consequences and move on with your life. And stop having your lawyers call me because mine is more powerful and I still have your paperwork.

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Monday, March 7 th, 2005

This evening I did an interview on Sirius channel OutQ?s The Derek & Romaine Show to promote my GayVNnomination for Best Non-Sexual Performance at The 6 th Annual GayVN Awards this week. I was booked on the show by the company for which I?m nominated, Jet Set Productions, along with many other stars of the series, Wet Palms. I?d been wanting to go on D&R for quite some time so I considered it an honor. Little did I know what I was in for.

I should have known from the beginning. There were many little jabs made at me by host Derek Hartley in the start of the hour now that I?ve had time to think it over. For instance, Derek immediately jumped in with a sort of a skeptical attitude when I told him I loved his show -- which is true! I told him that I got a 3-day pass to Sirius to hear a Liza interview on The Broadway Channel and that I listened to his show and really enjoyed it. He dropped it after that.

When he brought up my GayVN nomination for Best Non-Sex Performance (I'm with you... why was I nominated?! It was great fun, but my role is far from Oscar worthy.), he asked if I thought I would win. I said without hesitation, ?No. I think Zak Spears should win.? I went on to say that although I didn't like BuckleRoos so much -- I only liked the second part and didn't care for the first -- I did think Zak did an exemplary job, his role was meatier and I hope he walks away with the trophy.

Then we get the, ?Yes, it?s always good when a nice person wins.?

I let out a huge laugh and go, ?Well, yes... as opposed to me!?

So naturally, he takes that as his cue to launch into a story from The Grabby Awards after party and tells me that when we met I was ?rude? and a ?total bitch? to him. I am instantly excited! Suddenly, it's interesting radio! LOL... ?I LOVE STORIES ABOUT ME BEING A BITCH!? I screamed. ?Tell me everything! Let's hear the whole story.?

He starts to back off and says, ?Oh well, it's all water under the bridge,? and I insist that he tell the story because I'm thinking, apparently it's NOT water under the bridge. Apparently this is something you've been keeping inside since May of 2004 so please, get it off your chest and tell me what it was I did that has hurt you so deeply for the past year that you need to bring it up now.

So he tells me that he asked me why Tina Tyler was a no-show on his program and according to Derek, my response was that I told her not to do it. I go, ?Well that's highly unlikely. Until last Friday, I hadn't seen Tina in like over a year. I was probably drunk off my ass and trying to make myself sound way more powerful than I actually am! Why would I have told her not to do it??

He says he ?doesn't know? which is bullshit. I'm like, ?Was this all because of the Damon thing? My God, that was SOOOO long ago! So in the past!? Keep in mind, I still don?t even remember meeting this guy! But that?s not to say it didn?t happen. I?m sure it did.

He quickly wrapped up the interview after that and I left with the parting words: ?I have to say, Derek, I really applaud your bravery for calling me on my shit on live radio. That takes a lot of guts. I'm sure I WAS a bitch to you and if the roles were reversed, I would've done the same thing had you come on my radio show.? He said something about it being easy for him because he had the home court advantage and I joked, ?Yeh, let's see what happens when you come on MY show!? ... He said he'd love to and that was that.

As soon a I hung up the phone with him, I signed onto Godiva.com and overnighted him a box of chocolates with a green THANK YOU ribbon around it and a note that read:

Derek,
From one DIVA to another... GO!
Thanks for having me on your show.
xoxo, Jason - JasonCurious.com

You know what? I CAN be a bitch. But I own it. And I own my mistakes. And if you can't laugh at yourself, well... I know I'd be a pretty miserable person.

Oh and by the way, Jet Set thought it was such great publicity they're getting an audio track of the show and playing it over the photo gallery slideshow in their next DVD release! LOL

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Thursday, March 3 rd, 2005

Ben Damon was my guest at Micky?s Cocktails with the Stars tonight and I was pleased that he was such a good interviewee. He was very open about what it was like having sex on camera and took his duds off for fans multiple times during the event. I spent most of the evening at a table on the patio with the heads of Jet Set, Cybersocket and AVN -- all of whom were there to talk business with me and didn?t know I?d invited the others! It turned out to be a great night for networking. All of us were schmoozing each other like it was a dinner with David Gest and clientele.

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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

I went on another date tonight and it was one of the first I?ve really enjoyed in a long time. No butterflies or anything, but I at least was interested in what was coming out of his mouth. He?s gorgeous, too. He was on the cover of Frontiers magazine this week. It?s interesting, going from banging the boys in the back of the magazine to dating the boy on the cover.

This whole dating this is still relatively new to me, but I have to say that I?ve been pretty disappointed with it thus far. Where have all the strong men gone? Have we all become so fearful of rejection that none of us can show up with flowers in our hand or say something sweet or surprise the person we?re dating with a card and candy? Do we think that will make us look weak? Do we think we?ll be looked upon as clingy? Losers?

I have an ex who has moved back to town recently and the only reason we broke up was because he moved out of state. All he?s talked about for the past few years is how he still has feelings for me and doesn?t think he?s ever truly gotten over me. Now he?s finally living in Los Angeles again and I haven?t heard a peep from the guy. Finally, I get some instant message from him the other day wanting to know if I?m free for dinner this week. Um, no. My week is full. He says: ?Ok, I?ll try again then.? ? Yeh, big man. You?ll try again. Fuckin? A, you?ll try again. You better try again. What I should?ve said is, ?Don?t try again. Try harder.?

You know, if you take the worst relationship you ever had, the person who really treated you like shit the most, I don?t care how much you?re aware of how stupid you were to fall for him or how much you know today that it could never work? the bottom line is that if that person showed up unexpectedly at your doorstep with flowers and said, ?I was wrong. I love you and I don?t want to lose you,? we?d all take them back in a second.

Which just makes me think?

If we?re so willing to forgive all the biggest wrongs for something so minimal as an apology and flowers, any new guy has it pretty easy if they really wanted us to fall for them. It wouldn?t take much at all. Just kindness and generosity and a willingness to share themselves. But today, that?s a lot to ask for.

Everyone?s so scared.

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