Jason Curious: Jason's Diary

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Last Diary Entry of the Year

In "A Christmas Carol," Ebeneezer Scrooge is visited by three Christmas ghosts: The Past, the Present and the Future.

I've done a lot of thinking lately about the past and have even met up with a few ghosts of my own along the way. I find the past is at its most useful when helping you to shape your future.

When I was graduating high school and moving to L.A. I was consumed with the past. After battling many demons from my childhood, a few years later, I became obsessed with getting ahead and so my life became all about the future. It took a long time for me to be able to live in the present. That finally happened to me this year and when it did, it felt so amazing that I really bathed in it, ya know? Constant readers know I'm quite the extremist. I didn't want to look back at anything or anyone and I wasn't interested at all in tomorrow. It was a beautiful state of immediacy to live in and finding the ability to live in the present has given me the happiest moments of my life this year.

I have many resolutions in the New Year, but all of them share the common thread of finding the gray areas in life. My mom used to have this saying that the pendulum has to swing very far to both sides before it settles somewhere in the middle. I have lived in the past, the present and the future. I would like in my upcoming year to learn my mistakes from the past and to live in the present but never stop considering and planning for my future.

I don't know, maybe that's called growing up.

I've been reading Carrie Fisher's new book "Wishful Drinking" and in it she writes of hating AA Meetings: "It was at this one particular meeting that I heard someone say I didn't have to like the meetings, I just had to go to them. ... Well, this was a revelation to me! I thought I had to like everything I did! And for me to like everything I did meant -- well, among other things, that I needed to take a boat load of dope! Which I did, for many, many years. But if what this person told me was true, then I didn't have to actually be comfortable all the time. If I could, in fact, learn to experience a quota of discomfort, it would be awesome news! And if I could consistently go to that three-hour meeting, I could also exercise and I could write. In short, I could actually be a responsible adult."

I hear you, Carrie. What a revelation the obvious can be!

I would also like in the New Year to take better care of myself. That also seems a common solution to my many resolutions.

Becoming one of the busiest hosts on the West Hollywood scene has been good for my soul honestly because it has taught me how to interact with people a lot better. I've become a much more social, genuinely caring and attentive person because of it and I've also learned to be a MUCH better friend to people. But in the interim, I sometimes spend too much time taking care of others and not enough taking care of myself. A tree can branch out all it wants but if it's not being watered and cared for at the root, those branches are gonna snap! ...And boy, oh boy, have I found myself snapping lately! Sometimes at people who deserved it. But deserved or not, it's never the way to handle any situation. I hope that by taking more personal time for the gym and spiritual study in the New Year, that it will not only help me be an even better caretaker but also help me to determine better the people who are most deserving of it.

I turned 29 last month and in a year I will be 30.

I am not where I thought I would be or even who I thought I would be.

And for that, I thank God.

Happy New Year!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Weekend Update: Fast Friends, Lazy Day & Home (at The Mans) for the Holidays

The fastest friends are the ones you make where it's like you share the same brain. You're immediately on the same page as them when it comes to everything from what movie you want to go see to what candy you want to share with the popcorn when you get there.

Last night Seth Apper and I took in Eagle Eye ...with Reese's Pieces and Coke Icees. We did Numbers after for dinner and took in a drink at Here Lounge's "Destination" before deciding to call it an early night.

I'm glad I'm closer to Seth these days, both in proximity and friendship. We have come to find recently that we have so much in common, it's at times a little spooky. Waking up at the same time, calling each other at the same time, having the same thoughts on where we want to go and what we want to do when we get there and how long we want to stay! I like friends like that. You don't have to wonder what they're thinking because you're already thinking it! ;-)

I had an incredibly relaxing day here at The Mans too. I've barely gotten out of bed at all today. I've just been reading magazines, books, eating in bed, watching TV. Andy and Tristan are out of town for five days shooting a movie in New York and then visiting Tristan's family in Connecticut, so it was the perfect Sunday to really just veg out. I used to have at least one day a week where I did absolutely nothing and shut out the rest of the world. That hasn't happened since I moved in because I always want to play with my friends here! I had forgotten how amazing these days feel and how important it is for me to take them. I've never lived with friends before so I'm always tempted to just seize every moment and live it up for the day and take a trip to Crunky Town! That's my new term, by the way: What I call drinking excessively and getting crazy with friends.

But the amazing thing about living in a place this big is that you can have days in Crunky Town with your friends and then other days completely to yourself. If I were living in a small apartment with friends, a day to myself shutting off the rest of the world would be nearly impossible without dealing with other people and having to hear them. If I were living in a small apartment alone, I'd never have the roomies to stay in and go crazy with! So living in a place this big with friends but having my own private space really offers me the best of both worlds. I am so glad I no longer have to worry about being too loud because of thin apartment walls, not being able to play music after 10:00 at night, not having enough space for bringing my friends over, not having any place for Sadie to run around outside off leash without getting her to a park, etc. It really is an incredible gift to be able to be here.

Speaking of which, I made the decision this week that I am not going to leave town for the holidays. The expenses to see my dad in Indiana for Thanksgiving and my mom in Florida for Christmas would be too much and I can't feel comfortable seeing one without seeing the other. Besides that, I think it's important acclamating to my new home to really make it "mine" this holiday season. To decorate it to the nines with all my stuff, invite my friends over for holiday parties, make turkey dinner and Christmas cookies in the big kitchen here, all that good stuff.

I've spent only a couple Thanksgivings and Christmases in L.A. during the decade I've lived here and they have been A LOT of fun to spend with friends, although nothing is really like going home for the holidays. I will miss seeing my family for the season, but something tells me it is important that I be here this year. It feels right in my heart. I want to help make my friend's holidays special too -- many of them are without family, disowned from their families because they are gay or are not able to make it home because of finances.

Also, to stay in town means I can host holiday versions of each of my weekly events. To throw parties at these venues and make hundreds of people's holidays shine brighter by having a place to go and have fun is an opportunity I might not have next year. It just seems right on every level that I be here. After all, if I were meant to be elsewhere, I'd be headed elsewhere.

I need to get out a press release this week on my Fall/Winter schedule of shows. All of my Here Lounge nights are done for the moment and we're moving onto every Tuesday at Eleven Lounge, every Wednesday at Numbers, every Thursday at Apple Lounge and soon every other Sunday at Eleven as well.

The thing I'm most looking forward to is that I can go back to singing at The Other Side piano bar on Friday nights. Sometimes I would go on Mondays too to rehearse. I have missed it and am anxious to get back to it -- especially over the holiday season. I love doing the Christmas shows and singing those songs. I'm also thinking, since I will be in town this season, about taking the Christmas monologue that won me The Orange County Theater Award a few years ago and presenting it solo in Bobbie Chance's acting showcase from Thanksgiving through New Year's. I will have to move some scheduling around and it will keep me very busy, but it might be worth it to do all three for the season: hosting, singing and acting.

Anyway, these are the thoughts.

I hope to make it to bed early so I can wake up early for the gym. I saw some photos of me from this weekend and Lord do I need to start making that a priority again!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Election Night at The Mans

I felt it all day yesterday.

Change was in the air from the second my eyes popped open in the A.M. You could feel it, couldn't you? Everyone unified for the same goal and purpose. Would that we could all feel that sense of unity every day of our lives and continue reaching for it; to doing something proactive to work every day towards it. Peace. A better America. A better world.

I thought, "What can I do every day to get us closer to it?" and then reminded myself that it always begins in our own backyards and in the mirror. If we want a better country, we must become better people. If we want a peaceful nation, we must stop fighting with our our friends, our lover, our families and display patience, understanding, tolerance and diplomacy in our every day dealing.

This election is one of the things our children and grandchildren will come to us about. They'll be writing papers and want to know where we were the night Obama was elected into office. Who were we with? What were we doing? How did it feel?

Who were we with? Last night, I invited a few friends over to watch the poll results. Seth Adler, Kabbalah Nick and Josh Griffin helped make the evening so special as Andy, Tristan and I all busted open the champagne up in the pool house with Shannon.

What were we doing? Nick sat with me on the couch, riveted to every word and hushed people when they were talking over the speeches. Seth was chronicling the entire experience on Facebook via his laptop. Shannon was playing host, making sure everyone was take care of. Andy joked that LIVE backwards on the screen actually spelled EVIL and Tristan kept his party on, dancing to tunes in his own head. Josh was so well behaved for someone who is a devout Republican -- he only made a few jabs and jokes here and there. I appreciated the diversity of him being there and his willingness to still share in the victory with us.

How did it feel? I felt humbled. I felt like it was all so much bigger than me and yet I had something to do with it -- like a tiny rock falling from the mountain but still being made of the same particles as the mountain, like we are to God. I felt inspired. I felt hope. I felt confident that the rest of the world will see none of what has happened was what we wanted. I felt proud of the land that our house was sitting on and felt it moving beneath me, celebrating in its own way.

And I wondered if we could make the moment last.

"'What do you plan to do with all your freedom?' the new Sheriff said, quite proud of his badge. 'We'll weave them through every rockets red glare and huddled masses. You just lift your lamp.'" - Tori Amos, "Scarlet's Walk"

Monday, November 03, 2008

Post Halloween Blog

It has taken me two and a half entire days to recover from my Halloween antics, but woo hoo Thursday through Saturday was a lot of fun!

On Tuesday afternoon, I went shopping for some costume accessories that Chi Chi insisited I would be needing. I decided to team with her for ideas this year since we'd be throwing parties together on Thursday and Friday night. We'd decided on me doing a sort of emo/punk theme for Thursday where I pretty much looked like her son and then on Friday I would make my first appearance in full drag. And as what else but Liza Minnelli, of course! (Speaking of which, did you hear she's playing the Palace next month?! LizasatthePalace.com! She's singing her mom's "Judy at the Palace" medley too! You know, "...'cause vaudville's back at the Palace! And I'm on the bill!")

So Tuesday I ran a bunch of errands knowing it would be my only day to do so out of the week. Tristan came with me and we had a great lunch together at Pomodoro. He had just gotten home from being out of town dancing in Tuscon all weekend and had funny stories to tell about him performing Cher's "Bang Bang" on stage. Cher has become the mascot of The Mans. We can't stop listening to her these days and we're constantly picturing what she would do or say in any given situation around the house just for laughs.

Then I had to race home and get ready to go host "Penthouse 88" at Eleven Lounge with Josh Griffin. It was our first night there as the new weekly hosts and they went from having about 30 people there the week before to having 200+ on our night. Needless to say, we felt very proud and they were extremely happy with us. I went with Seth Aper actually who I have always adored but have gotten to spend more time with lately. He was back in town for the week after quite an extended absence from L.A.! It was good to have him back and to see so much of him during the Halloween parties. (He was dressed as Satan, head to toe in red paint, and won the costume contest at Here Lounge later in the week.)

This week we have off because my friends Jeffrey Sanker and Paul Nicholls had booked Election Day to host their "Ballot Ball" at Eleven quite a while ago. I will probably stop by for a few minutes. But Josh and I will be back the following week to resume our weekly all-night hosting duties.

On Wednesday, I answered over 300 emails in the morning, got a lot of JasonCurious.com work done in the afternoon, went to a Rosh Hodesh lecture on Scorpio at The Kabbalah Centre with Kaballah Nick at 8:00 pm, picked Chi Chi up from the airport at 10:45, came home and collapsed onto my bed.

The next day, my Halloween began. I made my way over to Chi Chi's early in the afternoon to begin getting all dolled up for our party at Apple Lounge's "Temptation." I had a pre-cocktail happy hour to host at Numbers beforehand and she had to stop by Michael Lucas's wedding so we both needed to be out the door by 7:30 and were afraid we weren't going to have enough time. Turns out, we were both practically done nearly two hours before we even had to step foot out the door! But it was good to hang out, catch up, find Halloween music online and talk about how hungry we were. Have you noticed she's lost over 50 pounds? Yup. She gave them to me.

Brandon Baker and his crew joined me at Numbers. He was dressed like a bell boy with freaky eyes and the second I saw him I thought, "Hmm... emo boy and freaky bellhop! I likey, I likey!" Dean Newton head of CockyBoys.com and Howard Andrew from FabScout stopped by too with their boys and it's always good to see them.

From there, we headed to Apple Lounge where I met up with Cheech. She DJ'd the night away and I hosted, though my microphone duties are really minimal as it is and even moreso when she's there! It's more my job to get my friends in the door, to circulate, to work the room and to make sure everyone's taken care of and having a good time. Chi Chi's exclusive Benjamin Bradley was performing along with a slew of other hot go-go boys. So many of my friends were there and it was a really good time.

I opted against after parties with my "Dirty, Sexy, Scary Halloween Party" at Here Lounge coming the next day and was in bed by 3:00 am.

The next day, I had a few more last minute errands to run and a few last minute fires to put out with the big Halloween party. Then it was off to Chi Chi's again, this time to become Liza! She helped a great deal. My costumes on both nights would have not been AT ALL if it weren't for her expertise, really. I'm so bad at that sort of thing. I love me some eyeliner and I always wear makeup, but I'm not a big fan of "dress up." She made it fun and made me look like I knew what I was doing.

I was really impressed with how much Here Lounge did to decorate for Halloween! They really turned that place into something spooky! Chi Chi DJ'd, I hosted a costume contest, Tammie Brown poured out the poison punch, the FabScout boys were all on hand throughout the night, Brent Everett and Josh West performed live on stage -- and we brought in the biggest, earliest crowd the place has EVER had on Halloween! Another successful adventure.

My own adventure went on for hours after the club closed, seeing as I waltzed through my door at around 8:30 am. But hey, it's Halloween! And the intimate after party I attended with some of my closest pals was really a blast! ;-)

It could've gone on even longer I suppose! I was invited by Brandon to head out to Palm Springs with the RentBoy.com crew for pride, but I decided to stay in L.A. for the weekend and rest. I'm glad I did. I needed it more than I expected after two days of non-stop fun.

Saturday I recovered eating pizza and pasta while watching the mini-series Stephen King's "IT" with Andy and Tristan. I had barely spent time with Andy all week so it was good to relax and hang with him. Sunday was more of the same as I still felt like shit from Halloween. More food. More movies.

This morning, I was up early and spent an hour cleaning up my "office area" (aka: MY DESK!). When I finally emerged from my cave, I found Andy and Michelle rearranging the living room and dining room, removing a lot of the clutter. So I took it upon myself to help clean up in there while they moved things. I cleaned the dining room chandellier for what must have been the first time in many years and dusted coffee tables and such. The living area of The Mans is now much more... well, livable!

Had dinner with the gang and uploaded pics from Thursday and Friday to the "News Desk."

Photos from Tuesday, Thursday and Friday's events can all be seen at: jasoncurious.com/desk/

Hurry! Before they become "members only" entries in the archives.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Jason Sechrest Hosts It All!

When asked if Hillary Clinton was planning to run for office again, she said she would rather focus on her place in the Senate, stating, "There's an old saying. You blossom where you're planted."

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. It's important to have ambitions and higher goals for yourself, but not at the cost of forgetting the present.

It looks like in November I will be hosting anywhere from four to six shows a week. There is also some talk about possibly taking this dog and pony show on the road with Chi Chi LaRue, to clubs that would be interested in me as a host, her as a DJ and bringing a few porn boys out to dance.

This was not something I planned, to take my success as a porn reporter and parlay that into a regular nightclub act. But then, becoming a porn reporter was nothing I had planned on either. It fell into my lap because I was at the right place at the right time.

I remember working at Danni's Hard Drive when I was 19. I had been writing their erotica under a female pseudonym, Gypsy Knights, because they wanted their members to think it was an all-female staff. One day, out of the blue, my manager at the time, this Southern Belle of a gay man named Johnathan Austin, whom I'd never really gotten along with, came into my office and said, "Now darlin', I've been thinkin' and I want you to do up a weekly gossip column for the site about all these crazy girls we have on the site. Like Liz Smith, you know. But about pussy."

He walked out of my office, just as quickly as he had walked in. It was so sudden and fast. I had the first draft done by the end of the day and the first edition received so many hits, it soon became my #1 priority at the site. The column was called "Sex Lives and Hard Drives" by Gypsy Knights. Within months, I was doing the same for Club International, Hustler, Inches and JOCK magazines but under my own name and within a year, I had left Danni's Hard Drive, taken their most talented webmaster with me (who is still with me today) and created a site around the idea of getting to know who porn stars really are behind the scenes, JasonCurious.com. There was no subscription site like it online at the time.

Today there are countless columns and blogs all devoted to celebrity obsession within the adult entertainment world, so it can no longer be my priority. The site has always been, more than anything, a reflection of my life in the porn industry and in the coming months we'll be re-vamping parts the site to reflect how the majority of my career these days is all about hosting.

I'm not a club promoter. I don't pack a place with tons of people. That's not what I'm good at and that's not my job. That's largely up to the club's promotion of the event. But people seem to be hiring me a lot these days just because I'm great with a microphone, I'm good at working a room and socializing, I get the shows talked about in columns and online, I bring in the porn peeps en mass for low rates and I have a kick ass photographer (thank God for T Ball) who provides everyone involved with great photos from each event. And I'm pretty cheap myself, considering all those things!

If this opportunity had presented itself to me a few years back, it would have never worked. I was hanging out with my friend Kabbalah Nick (we call him that because he works for the Kabbalah Centre) the other night and he reminded me that back in the day, despite being a good host on stage, I was not a very good host off stage. I was not a very social person or very nice for that matter. Boy, has that ever changed!

Part of growing up for me was about being less selfish and that influences my work every day now. Instead of it being all about me and my time on a microphone, it has become more about the crowd, big or small, making sure they are all taken care, having a good time and that I am entertaining them to the best of my ability.

I still would like to do some acting now and then and make it to the piano bar to sing a few nights a month, but I believe there will be a time for all of those things to land in my lap too if that's what I'm meant to do. I'm learning a lot from what I'm doing now that I will take with me when it comes time to move to the next phase of my career.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I used to feel like if I wasn't acting or singing or doing something more with my career, I felt like I wasn't living up to my full potential. I don't feel that way anymore. At all. If anything, I think focusing solely upon what I don't have and ignoring the opportunities laid before me to entertain people would be the true definition of not living up to my full potential, right? But then, I'm also at a place in my life where I no longer feel that my career defines me. That is what I do. Not who I am. And that's been a nice realization for me too.

This week I begin hosting every Tuesday at Eleven Lounge for their "Penthouse 88" event from 10 pm - 2 am along with Josh Griffin. I'm especially excited about this one because it's not necessarily going to be porn related every week. But this week we do have a few porn star boys dancing on stage to ring in my arrival, of course! Tory Mason, Cameron Adams and Cody Springs will all be there dancing throughout the night.

I've also got my other regular weekly gigs: Hosting the web talk show "Bottoms Up!" for Rude TV (live feed and archives available to JasonCurious.com members) on Tuesdays from 4 pm - 6 pm, "Temptation" at Apple Lounge on Thursdays from 10 pm - 2 am this week with Chi Chi LaRue spinning in the Pop 'N Cock Lounge with her exclusive Benjamin Bradley, and "Porn Star Happy Hour" on Fridays at Here Lounge which this week becomes a VERY special one-night-only event --

"Chi Chi LaRue & Jason Sechrest's Dirty, Sexy, Scary Halloween" from 6 pm - 2 am! LaRue and I will be on hand ALL NIGHT LONG, hosting a costume contest early in the evening where people can win up to $400.00. I'll also be interviewing the boys of FabScout.com live on stage and later in the midnight hours introducing porn stars Brent Everett, Dean Coxx and Josh West to the stage the dance the night away with TEN dirty, sexy, scary costumed go-go boys! There's more surprises in store too, so be sure to come out and spend Halloween with us -- and get there EARLY, as there will be no cover if you get there before 9:00 pm and you can get a stamp to come back in later in the evening if you want to go walk the boulevard for a bit.

Oh! And for those of you who miss our "Porn Star of the Week" at Here Lounge on Wednesdays, you'll be getting SIX porn stars every Wednesday at Numbers starting in November. There's also plans to start a second Eleven Lounge event, every other Sunday called "SPENT" with Josh Griffin and I -- themed around things to get you through the end of weekend hangover!

I'm reminded of that Madonna song where she sings, "Life is just a party. That's all your need to know."

I get to throw parties for my porn star friends and entertain people and make them laugh nearly every night of the week! I have never had as much fun working in the adult world as I do these days. Again, all from being in the right place at the right time and blossoming where you're planted!

One show would be one thing.

Four to six shows a week working as a host? That's been fate. I don't think I've had a whole lot to do with it other than just saying, "Yes! Of course I will!

.......If you can pay mine and the porn star's rate."

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Life At The Mans

...And he disappeared into the house, never to be heard from again!

I know, I know. It's been forever since my last post. I was waiting to get some things done before I started writing in the "Diary" regularly again. You know, I still haven't even completely unpacked, everything is totally unorganized and with taking on more weekly shows and work, I'm not sure when exactly any of that is going to finally get done. I'm sure my life (and clothes) will find its way out of boxes in time though.

Truthfully, I think I also needed to take some time to gather my thoughts before pouring out my insides onto an empty page.

Moving into The Mans took some major adjusting to say the least and the first week, I thought I must be feeling what people call "panic attacks." Every morning I would wake up and realize that if I left my room to head into the kitchen and make my morning tea, there was a possibility I would run into someone. Might not seem like such a big deal to most people, but for someone who has lived alone for seven years and feels like he needs to be "on" and "performing" around people, it really forced my out of my comfort zone.

Ultimately, I like that. I like that I'm growing and learning to not need to be anything than what I am and feel. But I still need about fifteen minutes in the morning -- just to wake up, really -- before I feel comfortable emerging from my cave. I'm just never going to be the kind of person who is happy being bombarded with intense conversation until I'm at least awake enough to answer an email.

The worst of the panic moments came one night when I was watching a movie with Andy upstairs in his room. I thought to myself, "Oh my God, when I'm done hanging out with Andy tonight... I can't go home to my apartment like I have hanging out here in the past. I don't leave this place anymore when I'm done boozing it up and having fun with him. I go downstairs to my room. Which isn't even MY room!!! It used to be HIS room so I know it as his room. ...Oh my God, I HAVE NO HOME!!! I'm a HOMELESS PERSON!!! And I HAVE NO HOME!!!"

Fortunately, these moments of pure insanity dissapated more quickly than I suspected. I'm a child of divorce and at heart also an actor: I adapt very, very quickly. One week into it, I began loving being around people all the time and the joys of having a huge mansion where I can cook in a big kitchen when I want to, hold business meetings in different areas of the house or hang out by the pool with my friends. And to be able to save money, living in a bigger place, well that's going to be pretty incredible too.

As for Sadie, well it's almost like she wasn't really living until now. I feel like she's a completely different dog. So happy to be around other dogs and have a yard and so many people who love and care for her.

Living with two of my best friends, Andy Kirra and Tristan Mathews, has been both a blessing and a challenge. You see sides of people you didn't know existed when you live together. Remember Mikey G.? I spent nearly every day with him as my best friend for over five years before he moved into my apartment and once we did, we both felt like we'd never really known each other at all. Some of those revelations are beautiful and some of them are not so pretty.

Having people in the house who I trust and love played a huge role in making the adjustment period a quick one. One of the things I have learned from my time with Andy is that laughter can cure pretty much anything. Not just any laughter, but the doubled over, can't hardly breathe, tears running down your face laughter. There had been a huge void of that in my life for a couple of years. I was in a very different place in my life before I met Andy and I'm not sure he really knows how much that laughter and fun together still instantly changes my life infinitely for the better. Tristan too has become someone who I need in my life more than I ever thought I would. We have a friendship that is based in so much trust and that's the best foundation for a friendship ever. We confide things in each other and vent when we need to and provide and ear when the other person needs to let off some steam.

There are, of course, other less pleasing sides that you discover in your friends' personalities once you begin living with them. Most of the time though, I try to ask myself, "What is it about me that is bothered so much by this or that personality trait?" More often than not, it's my problem and not their's. I'm a firm believer that it's not our job to change people, but to instead become more tolerant. And the pros of these two individuals are so amazing, they outweigh the cons so far that it is usually easy for me to follow another rule of mine: To focus on what you love about all people, as opposed to what you dislike.

My biggest challenge living with them has been to not allow myself to fall into another co-dependent friendship where the rest of the world is shut out and I give everything I have to only one or two people. That's been a pattern of mine all my life that I vowed to stop after my last one. In the past two years, I have found the value of having many diverse friends and a variety of activities that branch you out into several social circles. It's important to being a whole person that you don't feel like a "half" without another -- and that you can be that same "whole" person with any given person, in any given circle.

It's still very much embedded in my nature though to want the rush of that fabulously heady co-dependent friendship and I find myself literally forcing myself at times to hang with other people. When I do, I'm always so glad I did and it makes it easier the next time.

Speaking of which, there are many other interesting people who live here and an entry titled "Life At The Mans" would not be complete without them. You'll probably be hearing more about them here as time goes on, but for now a brief introduction to the cast!

DAN is the owner of the home who lives here with us. He is a 50 year old gay man (though he doesn't look it) and has been very welcoming to me, especially in my first week -- offering to cook dinner, allowing me time to pay after the exorbanant moving fees, etc. At times it can be uncomfortable for all of us to have your landlord actually living in the same house as you. When you're busy with work and just passing through and your landlord decides he wants to strike up a conversation with you for 15 minutes you can't really spare in your day, how can you say no? It can be a bit intrusive. But I am still getting to know him and hope to eventually be able to call him a good friend by the end of my time here at The Mans and not just a landlord.

MICHELLE is like the house mother, having lived here the longest. She is a nurse who has a love of indie musicians she's constantly bringing over to the house to hang out and often play music. My dad being an indie musician, I can relate and love all the great music she introduces me to. She is also the house chef! One of the most amazing cooks I've ever met, in fact, and makes dinner for us all any night she is off work. I had already gotten to know her pretty well before I moved in through spending so much time here at the house with Andy, so it's nice to have another familiar face to call a friend.

SHANNON lives in the pool house. For the moment, at least. Her husband is a drummer for a rock and roll legend and he has been out of town touring since they moved in and will not be back until December, at which point they may decide to move. In the meantime, Shannon and I have become good pals. She's a night owl who stays up even later than I do so when I come home from hosting my events at 2 am, if I'm ever not quite ready to go to sleep and need someone to drink with and talk to until 6 am, Shannon's pretty much the bomb to have around!

GAVIN is the lone straight guy who lives in the basement bedroom and we call him "GG" because he is "Gavin, The Ghost." We absolutely NEVER see him and when we do, he doesn't really speak much.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA and OLIVER STONE are my neighbors. We are not friends. But we sometimes use their garbage cans when ours are full.

So there you have it, folks. The long awaited update of what's new in my world.

As you can see, I have started an entirely new chapter of my life with some new friends -- and new pieces of old friends being discovered that in turn helps me find a few hidden pieces of me.

I often feel, starting this new chapter, like my life these days is an empty page and I can make this next part of my life story whatever I want it to be.

I feel like I'm writing the book. It's not writing me.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Welcome Home

I move into The Mans this morning. It's my last night here in the apartment and I can't sleep.

It's just weird, all these boxes and the vacant walls and stuff.

I've lived here in my one-bedroom apartment on North Stanley longer than I've lived any place in Los Angeles, not to mention it's the next to longest I've lived in one place my entire life.

I've always been the kind of person who was able to move to the streets of L.A. when I was 18 because I believe home is within me -- not any external place.

But the truth is, right now, I'm very scared.

I know I'm just being stupid. I'm getting shared use of a huge mansion, plus a yard for Sadie and friends for her to play with, a swimming pool, a patio for parties and grill outs, my own separate entrance to the place, regular maid service and practically a live-in cook, just to name a few of the amenities!

But my God, my actual living quarters is smaller than my living room.

And I have had so much privacy for so many years. I don't even let people come over unannounced. Now I'm moving into a place with 7 people.

That's not to say that I don't already know it's the best decision for me. It's an opportunity I've jumped on because it's not every day that you can save a shit load of money to upgrade your living conditions. But though the upgrades are many, it's still going to be an adjustment.

So many things of my family's I won't even be able to enjoy. Where will I put all these stupid hundred dollar Royal Daulton mugs? You know, the little figurines of the characters? Have you ever seen those? They're just silly family heir loom brick-a-brack. ...And what about the pictures of the two French waiters that hang above my stove that my mom got me just because she thought that space on the wall needed something? Stupid stuff to be concerned with or sad about. But they are mine. And I can't use them or see them now.

Still... save a grand a month, move into a mansion and give Sadie (and quite possibly myself!) a much fuller existence.

I'm very lucky.

It's just scary letting go of something so familiar. And let's face it... it was only about a year and a half ago that I was borderline agoraphobic! Afraid to connect with anyone for fear of being hurt. Afraid to leave my house to go to the grocery store.

I've known for a while that's not who I am anymore. But...

Now...

Any chance I had of ever retreating back into that person...

Gone.

I probably should've made the move a long time ago. Too many things I've hung onto being here.

I'm definitely leaving a couple of skeletons in these closets when I walk out that door on Wednesday morning.

And as scary as that may be, I can't deny that it's for the best.

I also think -- no, I know -- that I'm needed in that place right now . Like Mary Poppins was needed by the Banks, honey! There's a lot I can do for that house and all of its tennants right now. But those stories will come in time.

My mom says, "I don't think there's ever been a time in your life up until now that you could've lived with this many people. But now, I think you can and I think it will be good for you."

She's right, though it's not the first time I've lived with people! I lived for many wonderful years with Brinke Stevens when I first moved to L.A. who was the best roommate I could've ever asked for. And truthfully, my favorite period living in this apartment was the short time I lived here with my ex-boyfriend. So maybe it's not so scary after all.

Anyway, it's an adventure.

I'm thankful you're still taking it with me. I might need you for this part of the ride more than you know.

Remember when I told you a couple years back that I wouldn't be writing about my personal life anymore?

Mmm. All that's about to change.